Moms Who Choose to Stay Home: Stop Treating Yourself Like a Second-Class Citizen in Your Own Family
I know I came off strong, but I promise this is relevant to you. Sometimes we need a good, shocking hook to encourage us to dissect the information coming next…Keep reading to uncover the 5 keys that’ll get you out of defeat/burnout/resentment and into fulfillment/freedom/bliss.
Are you tired of settling for breadcrumbs as a dedicated stay-at-home mom, the one who runs the home & the one who keeps everything together for your family?
Are you sick of letting life happen to you instead of being the creative artist that creates her beautifully and intentionally designed life?
Are you simply done with feeling like shit, being mad at yourself and everyone around you, because you do so much for your family and it just never feels like enough?…
Even though you feel like you do the MOST, it just never feels like you do enough in order to:
stay on top of everything going on: this is also known as the ‘mental load’. Everyone relies on you for the planning delegating, coordinating, scheduling and management. You feel like you’re constantly forgetting things (because it’s simply too much for one person to juggle).
keep your family happy: somehow this feels like solely your responsibility and you feel a pang of guilt whenever someone is unhappy. You’ve devoted an indefinite amount of time to prioritize your family but it frequently feels disharmonious.
meet the persistent expectations & demands: you feel pressure to not only keep a consistently tidied home, well-kempt kids, a calendar full of enriching activities, quality social relationships and readily available healthy foods, but also be attentive to the minuscule but many micro demands of motherhood, like having enough clean underwear in your drawer, unexpired supplements, helping your daughter wipe properly, actually playing w/ the kids in a present manner, giving your husband an actively listening ear when you’re tired, and kissing boo-boos all day long…
feel content as a stay-at-home mom yourself: you’re so preoccupied w/ keeping everything running smoothly and keeping everyone else happy that you definitely neglect yourself, your needs & desires (you often feel like you have very little choice here). You feel like your back is against the wall… but you also refuse to settle for this way of living. There has just GOT to be something better, something different.
You know you’re doing the right thing by staying home with the kids…but you can’t help but feel like you might’ve just missed something in class (so to speak)… You absolutely refuse to give up or settle and you often feel this internal pull to change something, you’re unsure of exactly what, but you’re inspired to keep changing things until your life feels aligned.
I’m so pleased to tell you that you’re in the right place. Keep reading for the solution.
You’re sick of feeling disappointed because you chose this career path of stay-at-home motherhood—but you just can’t seem to get it ‘right’.
You chose to leave your job in order to raise your kids. You’re college-educated, with work experience in something that interests you and yet, when you felt your baby growing inside of you, you knew.
You knew that whoever that little person was, they would be worth giving your time, attention, energy and focus to. You prioritize your family.That’s why you talked to your husband and made your case for staying home. You were adamant and emotional. You had to stay home with your precious darling…and you still want to, even as they grow year after year. You know they need you—not just anyone, they need you.
But! But, but, but…there has got to be a more sustainable, more satisfying and less depleting way to be a stay-at-home mother.
You cannot keep sacrificing your needs in order to meet your kids’ demands, your husband’s needs and your unrealistic expectations of yourself.
You’re ready for a new path to emerge that leads you to: daily groundedness, genuine enjoyment, restedness, fulfillment and confidence. (But…when and where will it emerge from?)
In spite of all the struggles you face, you will not give up on this journey of stay-at-home motherhood.
You’re committed to change what you’re doing to make this journey what you want it to be. You’re dedicated to make that beautiful vision of motherhood you have come to life.
And thank God that you’re dedicated to it, we need more women & mothers out there like you!
What’s more is that there is a much simpler, less exhausting and more meaningful way of being a stay-at-home mom. You don’t have to get used to it, consider it par for the course, or accept living in a constantly defeated state. In Sovereign Matriarchs, we do things very differently. More on that later.
Raising children and leading the home are two of the most important jobs that have ever existed.
"To be a mother is a woman's greatest vocation in life. No being has a position of such power and influence. She holds in her hands the destiny of nations, for to her comes the responsibility and opportunity of molding the nation's citizens."
Spencer W. Kimball
And yet, our modern society treats this career path like it’s backwards, easy, lazy, a-monkey-could-do-it…
This isn’t true but these beliefs that our culture has seeps into our lives in so many ways and impacts our lives in far more ways than you realize right now. (Seriously, it’s gonna blow your mind)
"Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to the country and to mankind is to bring up a family. But here again, because there is nothing to sell, there is a very general disposition to regard a married woman's work as no work at all, and to take it as a matter
of course that she should not be paid for it."George Bernard Shaw
You see, us college-educated, chosen stay-at-home moms are the rebellious ones these days. We are the modern-day revolutionaries going against what everyone else thinks we should be doing. (Don’t you love that word: should)
Our government, the education system, the workforce and economy, your parents, your in-laws, some of your friends, popular culture and maybe even your own husband (I hope not, but if so, I can help you navigate that)…
All of our social institutions assume the normal thing for an adult female to do is have a career outside the home and leave her kids w/ someone else.
Women are expected to work these days and I’m sure you’ve heard something of this sort:
‘If you knew you wanted to stay home, then why’d you go to college?’
‘Can you afford to not work?’
‘Being home is a luxury’
‘To survive this economy, both parents have to work’
‘Won’t you/don’t you get bored?’
‘When are you going back to work?’
‘Your education was a waste of money’
‘Why don’t you go to work and we’ll watch the kids’
‘It’s not fair if he’s (your husband) the only one working.
‘Don’t you want to contribute?’
Even if you’re not bombarded with comments like these, it’s easy to see how this default attitude of disdain and minimized value of at-home mothers can affect the way people treat us and even how we treat ourselves (it’s so annoying how that conditioning creeps into your own mind!)
Our society is set up in a way that caters to economic growth at all costs and thus, the outside-the-home workforce.
So, how exactly does our society negatively affect stay-at-home mothers?
Being a rebellious mother in 2023 means we collectively and disproportionately experience:
Isolation: this unnatural phenomenon leads to loneliness, depression and lack of motivation (you’re missing out on relating to others, connecting, getting and giving feedback, energy that comes from groups of humans).
Alienation: since your life choice is so rare, you begin to feel like almost no one else is making the decision you are. This can lead to self-doubt, paranoia that people are against you, antisocial behaviors and anxiety. When you function against the grain, it’s normal to question whether or not there’s something wrong w/ your behavior (spoiler: you’re the normal one for following your biological instincts, and our society lives in a way that goes against nature).
Pressure to return to the workforce even though we don’t want to. Once again, since the social expectation is to work, you’re surrounded by social messaging that keeps nudging you towards working, whether it’s overt (‘it’s anti-feminist to stay home w/ the kids’) or more subtle (you’ll make more money, so you can spend more). This leads to confusion, guilt and shame if it goes unchecked.
Few & dwindling resources. Since there are less stay-at-home moms, the demand for resources has decreased and in some places, disappeared completely. This is why there are towns/cities that are known for being family-friendly and others that aren’t. Here, I’ve got to bring up the good, old village nostalgia. Back in the day, when more women remained home to raise kids and make their homes, there was a natural community that formed around them. There was more respect for natural order and biological realities. The expectation wasn’t that women should work instead of raise the future generations and be supported in doing so. I know our past ancestors didn’t do everything right, but structuring society around child-rearing was one thing that they did get right.
Being overburdened. Largely due to the disappearance of the village (grandparents w/ flexible ‘work’ schedules, aunties, sisters, cousins, other mothers, etc.), we see modern stay-at-home moms being packed like a mule w/ an amount of responsibilities that are impossible for one human being to realistically take on. She’s expected to make the food, clean the home, be the chaffeur, house manager/coordinator, disciplinarian, friend, lover, wife, teacher, nurse, laundress and more. Add on top of that the issue of the devaluation of this career and you have society expecting her to do everything since ‘she’s the one that’s home’, ‘she doesn’t make money’ and ‘she doesn’t have that much to do’…right? LOL. Isn’t it maddening? But don’t worry, keep reading, you don’t have to live your life that way even though society seems to be crazy…So, the lack of village/community plus degradation of the profession and you get a person who’s treated like a second-class citizen and thus, quite literally piled on. This causes exhaustion, burnout, self-esteem issues, depression and oppression.
An unhealthy lack of social interaction. Since resources are few and we tend to be overburdened, we can come to the conclusion that we just don’t have time for social stuff. You want meaningful friendships, but you don’t have the time to foster them nor have the energy to coordinate a date/time that works for everyone involved. You’re so tired, busy and lonely that you can’t seem to make friendships work and that’s tragic. Not only do you not interact w/ adults on a regular basis but you feel like you don’t have the appropriate amount of time, energy nor focus to foster adult friendships.
Child-unfriendly environments. Since the amount of mom staying home (only 28% nationally) has decreased AND the later generations choosing to not have kids at all, not have as many kids and/or wait until they’re older to have kids, you’ll find yourself in towns and cities that aren’t very accommodating to families or children. This means that the amount of places you can safely and comfortably take your children in society are decreasing (although, us Sovereign Matriarchs do not accept this, we will continue to challenge society to accept the reality of motherhood and childhood). This can lead to stay-at-home moms and their families being treated like inconveniences and nuisances in public places, leading to them feeling even more ostracized.
Unpaid and lacking ‘benefits’. Husbands can mistakenly think that, since they make the money, they’re in charge of it. Actually, we allow them to progress in their career fields & make that money, in peace, while they rest in the knowledge that they have the greatest childcare for their children, available on Earth. Whatever your husband makes, you’re entitled to a say in at least half of it.
No official time off. This can be a self-sabotage trap. It often feels like society doesn’t value our time.
So, you made the noble decision to stay home and raise the next generation of leaders in a way that respects them, treats them with dignity and importance…but society thinks you’re better off in the workforce, so many barriers are set up so that it’s hard to keep staying home as a mom.
I’m not just here to complain! Quite the opposite; how does one ever solve a problem without first fleshing it out?
Solution time!
So, yes, being a stay-at-home mom in 2023 is alienating, lonely and challenging. What matters is what we will do about it!
Staying home in 2023 calls for creative problem-solving, community, realignment w/ nature, a healthy dose of social resistance to the norms and lots of faith in the Great Spirit.
It’s up to us to say: ‘yeah, we choose to be home w/ our kids (for however long we deem necessary, as the experts in this field) and you will treat us with respect. In fact, we demand society’s support in the form of a family-friendly public and tax dollars put towards family-focused resources.’
Not only do we have to demand and command respect from society and people, but we must transform ourselves into the woman that demonstrates how she should be treated by doing so herself and coming to expect proper treatment.
That’s great news, it means that you have the power to change whatever you don’t like about your life right now!
Ok, so if it’s all up to me, what do I actually do to transform the way I see/treat myself and how others see/treat me?
How a Sovereign Matriarch demonstrates how she should be regarded/treated:
Committing herself to following the Great Creator and NOT society (this is active, not passive)
Establishing a life of essentialism (think minimalism for the mind, body, soul and everything else)
Standing up for herself regularly (this is where most moms sign off, forever resigning herself to 2nd-class citizenship)
Reconnecting to yourself on a regular basis (you’re not the same woman you were before becoming mom, I promise)
Surrendering to the wisdom of biology/nature (which is actually God’s wisdom)
These are the most effective and comprehensive strategies for achieving the lifestyle we want without sacrificing ourselves in the process.
I know this because I’ve done it. I’ve created the life that I’d always envisioned as a mom and I wanna help you do the same <3
